I know people find love at any age, but when I turned 36, the number of matches I received on the dating apps crashed like the stock market during the GFC. To test if it was due to my age, I changed it to 34. Lo and behold, my level of matches returned to normal.
When I was 22, I used to meet men on RSVP and MySpace. Back then, I winced whenever anyone over 28 contacted me, thinking they were old. My age bracket now is pretty wide — 10 years younger and older — yet women over 35 are practically invisible to men in this group. This is obviously stupid, because what if JLo joined the apps. My research from the apps and straight male friends revealed that men who want kids think women 35+ are barren, and men who don’t want kids think we’re desperate for their sperm. And of course, it is the universal truth that men of any age prefer to date 22 year olds. When my “feminist” friend Robert was in his mid-30s, he declared on Facebook that he only wanted to date younger women as they had less baggage.
As a 38 year old, most of the likes I receive on dating apps are from boys fresh out of high school or retirees. I’m either someone’s Cougar or Kitten. I’m now the same age as Jennifer Coolidge when she played Stifler’s Mom. The thought of teenagers thinking of me as a Cougar is hilarious. I’m so shy with flirting I’d rather bury myself in a hole than make eyes at a cutie at a bar. Though I want to be Samantha Jones when I grow up.
During my recent dating blitz, men in their mid-30s to early-40s fit into either category:
- Mr Desperate. When you meet up you may hear a loud alarm coming from him. It’s not his phone – it’s his biological clock. The first date will play out like a job interview to be their wife: “So, tell me about your in relationship history?”
- Mr Traumatised. Men who are freshly out of a long-term relationship. They are either heartbroken or scarred from the breakup, but still want sex, so shop around for a casual rebound (usually me).
Compared to when I used the apps in my early 30s, there now more divorced dads around my age. This makes me feel old. It also scares me because my relationship experience is closer to the 20 year olds they rebound with. I acknowledge that I am doing nothing to stop ageism with these generalisations. Of course there are good single men in my age bracket. I’m friends with all five of them.
Online dating has always been frustrating to me, but it’s become even more difficult with age (I hear my older friends saying “I told you so”). Up until I turned 36, my dating strike rate was 1 in 5: out of five men I meet, one will be someone who I date for awhile. Since I turned 36, I’ve been on dates with around 15 men. I only saw two of them for a second date, with nothing beyond that. Out of all these men, I was only excited about one. The others were men I took a chance on because of slim pickings. When I was younger, I was pickier with who I chose to meet, and had better experiences as a result. According to the 2016 Australian Census, there are more single men than women aged 25-34. From the age of 35, there are more single women than men and this imbalance widens with age. Unfortunately I don’t have a breakdown of sexual preferences among single people as the Census stupidly does not collect that data.
These stats correlate to my social life. At any given party attended by 35+ year olds in Melbourne, single straight men are about as rare as someone without dietary preferences. Most of the men will have young kids. My popular friend Ben (42) does not have any straight single male friends. All of his mates started to partner up in their mid-30s. When I was looking for interviewees for my research, it was harder to find straight single men than women. On the other hand, it was easier to find men who were serial monogamists, dispelling the stereotype that men are commitmentphobes.
Though I joked that men on apps have an age limit of 35, it is obviously not the case. I know women who recently found love on the apps in their late 30s and 40s. Their boyfriends are close to their age. When my friend Wayne joined the apps a few years ago, his age bracket was 18-35, even though he was in his mid-30s (I gave him shit for it). This year he started to date women in their 40s. As he does not want kids, his relationships with younger women have not worked out. I occasionally look at the profiles of the women he’s chatting with. There are many intelligent, funny babes in their 40s. Meanwhile each year I’m faced with more men on the apps who look like Jason Alexander. They don’t even have his humour.
I used to think one of the worst dating app crimes was lying about your age. A common line that men have on their profile is “I’m 42 not 35, don’t know how to change my age lol.” I completely empathise with them now (though not ones that write “don’t know how to change my age lol”). Last year I met a man who said he was 38 in his profile but spent the date talking about his 40th birthday party. Though it would have bothered me five years ago, I did not even blink at his slip up.
The funniest case of ageism that I’ve seen on Tinder was from an unattractive man in his 50s who wrote in his profile “I won’t swipe right to anyone over 50!” I wish I screengrabbed it. Boomer needs to learn how Tinder works.