There’s a perception that Tinder is the place to be to receive dick pics and sexually inappropriate messages.
These are the most common opening lines that I receive on Tinder. Skip ahead if you are easily offended.
- “Hey.”
- “Hey.”
- “How are you?” (or “How r u?”)
- “Hi sexy.”
- “Hey.”
- “Hey.”
- “Ciao bella.”
- “How’s your day/week/2020 been?”
What do I even RESPOND to such boring openers?
“HI. I’M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?”
You can only guess what he’ll say next… “I’M GOOD.”
Wow.
I’ve had more stimulating conversations with self check-out machines at supermarkets.
There are blogs and Instagram accounts dedicated to posting screengrabs of the sleazy messages that women receive on Tinder. I have yet to receive one.
To be honest, I’d rather someone send me a dick pic because it’s a better conversation starter than “Hey.” You can ask so many questions if someone sends a dick pic:
- “What type of underwear does it like?”
- “Did you get its permission to take its photo?”
- “Is it low in iron?”
Lately when guys open with “Hey. How are you?” I’ve been responding with “I don’t have pubic lice and my house is not on fire so I’m good considering the state of the world. How are you?”
They’ll usually reply with:
“LOL. I’m good.”
And then they won’t ask me a question back. If I get any questions at all, it’ll usually be “Are those real?”, obviously in reference to my brain.
WHAT NOT TO ASK PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT WHITE
“Where are you from?” is another common question. It confuses the hell out of guys when I say that I was born in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne, because “the east” alludes to the Orient. This leads them to think that I must be referring to a different Melbourne in China or Vietnam or wherever else they think I’m from.
To be fair, I’m not too offended by the “Where are you from?” question because I’m equally guilty of asking this of anyone who looks like they could be from Italy, Greece or Spain. I have whatever the Yellow Fever equivalent is for Mediterranean and Jewish guys. It’s probably just called gluttony, because my ultimate goal with dating is not to get married but to have access to someone’s nonna, yia yia, abuela or bubbie for their food.
Give me invites to Italian and Greek Easters and Christmases and Hanukkahs for the rest of my life. I want grandmas to pester me to eat more even after the elastic waistband on my pants has snapped. Feed me homemade pappardelle, lamb on a spit, dolmades, baccala, latkes…GIVE IT TO ME. I don’t want kids but I will have one if your nonna threatens to pull her buffet from me. Anything to keep her happy.
ASK ME A GODDAMN QUESTION
I’ve discovered that men who don’t ask questions are selfish in bed. If they don’t have a basic level of curiosity about my life, they’re not going to care about what I want in bed. To them, I’m just a warm blow-up doll that bleeds from my vagina a few days a month. Though, they probably don’t think about my periods as much as I do.
There is literally no reason for men to send me a generic opener like “Hey” because my profile is packed with conversation starters. I MAKE IT SO EASY FOR THEM.
I put questions in my Tinder profile because it’s a good way to gage their sense of humour, intelligence and values. My profile starts off with a simple and inoffensive question to lure guys into a false sense of thinking I’m a nice basic person. The question is, “Pie or cake?” Anyone can answer that, even if you don’t eat carbs.
My second question is “Who would you kill/marry/fuck: Kim Jong Un, Scott Morrison, Rupert Murdoch”. I switch up the names to keep it current. I’ve been on and off Tinder since Tony Abbott was in power, so of course he has been included in the mix. In case you’re wondering, I’d fuck Tony Abbott. It’s so obvious — look at the way he eats a raw onion. And I’d “accidentally” get pregnant by him then have an abortion to REALLY fuck with him.
To filter out men who go to Melbourne Cup, I have the question “Would you rather go to the Melbourne Cup for a day or go on an eating adventure in Footscray?”
My final question is “What was the last movie you cried and masturbated to?”
Just kidding, I save that one for dates.
BORING PROFILES BY BASIC PEOPLE
In addition to these questions, I also include my interests to cover off all bases in case my fellow weirdo is out there. I place a lot more importance on a well written bio than most. Most people have nothing in their description. If they have made the effort to write a profile, it would normally be a combination of:
- Listing their height if they are at least 6 feet (e.g. “6’2 cos apparently it matters LOL”)
- Beer emoji burger emoji pizza emoji surfing emoji golf emoji sun emoji
- I like to laugh
- Uber rating 4.83
- Most controversial opinion: pineapple on pizza
- Banter game strong/banter game 10 out of 10/I like to banter (spoiler alert: most people who list banter as an interest consider “Nice weather today hey “/”Yeah lovely and sunny” to be verbal foreplay)
That’s literally how basic people are. If these are the most unique things you can say about yourself, you should also add that you like to breathe, because I also like to breathe and it’s important that my future boyfriend likes breathing as much as I do. If you only have “I like to laugh” in your profile, I hope that when you sell your house your real estate agent only includes “This house has a roof” in the description.